Thursday, August 13, 2009

Eliza loves watching Super Why! these days

I know, 2 posts back-to-back?!
What else do you do on a rainy day?
My posts are always longgggg too.
I want to preface this by saying that Eliza is happy 99% of the time and so am I.

I said in the last post that Eliza has really matured.
She loves pushing the grocery cart w/ me and helping pick out all her favorite things or at least things that look familiar to her. She hasn't tried to run off down the aisle from me lately and she will wait patiently while I ponder over something. I'm actually enjoying shopping again.

She's been constantly vocally attempting to communicate. Most of it is jibberish, but it's purposeful and that's what matters. She is learning that power over her environment.

I've been talking more to her about my upcoming travel to China to bring home her sister. She's gotten quiet over this and I'm not sure if that's what the latest tears have been about or not. We've also reached a major nighttime issue. We added Ava's bed to "Eliza's" room (nka "girls' room"). She refuses to go in there and she refuses to sleep in there. Freaks out! Anyone w/ suggestions; any other AU mom's w/ suggestions too, I'd appreciate hearing it all. We've let her fall asleep downstairs, but she wakes as soon as we move her to her bed and freaks out again. So...she sleeps between us. We never allowed this w/ either of the older kids and we never allowed it w/ Eliza. Sleep deprivation made us cave in. She literally needs to be touching us all night. Help. A new type of sleep deprivation is now upon me from sleeping on the edge of the bed with 2 snoring people next to me.

I've had my own tears lately (as anyone who has been on the adoption journey can relate to). Whether it's the emotions of the end-stretch of this paper-pregnancy or just the quiet and yes, sometimes, lonely part of being a mother to a non-verbal child living in a body controled by autism. (I realize that motherhood can be lonely regardless and am not looking for sympathy, only to explain that sometimes I'm not as strong as I need to be.) So, a few times this summer, I've had my tears and have said out loud to Eliza that I'm tired, really tired, and sad and that I really wish she could talk to me...blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. Really pitiful on my part I know and I'm ashamed. I've later caught her silently crying and when I've asked her what's the matter, I'M NOT KIDDING, she has said (over and over)..."Oh mama, I am...Oh mama. Oh mama, I do." Now, mind you, most of what Eliza says is not clear and for the most part, my ear has been trained to understand what she's saying, but these words have been clear as a bell.

Imagine what my heart feels when I've witnessed this? Guilt. Sorrow. Joy. Pride. Encouragement. God. Love. Peace.

She is amazing. I've tried to get it on video, but she clams up. Perhaps it's meant for my ears only and for my heart only. I love her so much.

From a blog perspective,
I realize it looks like I've dropped off the planet since July.
Do I need to say that another blog has had me a bit preoccupied?
Still waiting for travel notice.
School begins 8/25 for Allie and Brendan.
School begins 9/2 for Eliza!
She's ready.
She's matured just this week.
She's also been very, very funny this week.
Discovered a new sensory output for Eliza
when everything gets to be too much.
Let her run barefoot in the grass w/mom running behind.
Pure JOY!! and renewed focus when we come back inside.
The little things makes so much sense.
Why do "we" over-complicate and over-stress
when she doesn't conform to our norms?
Imagine how we'd all feel after running barefoot in the grass.
Sometimes I think her norm is better and does have a purpose.
Many friends asked if I saw the 20/20 interview about Carly (autism related).
I didn't. I can't sometimes (my own demons). I did after-the-fact though.
Great insight.
Even went to Carly's blog and twitter site.
Read the questions and her responses
about why autism makes kids do certain things.
Afterwards, I gave Eliza a big hug and BIG, sloppy kiss.
Told her I loved her and was proud of her.
Another great insight from the book Strange Son
when her son finally began speaking.
"What were you doing all those years when you didn't speak?"
"I was listening."
When a person is non-verbal,
you do tend to talk as if they don't understand.
Imagine what Eliza learns every day that we don't even know yet.
Sometimes I realize that.
Sometimes she surprises me in HUGE ways.
I haven't taken many photos since July.
Camera has been on and off since dropping it in the mountains.
I tried to get some cute ones of Eliza dancing the other day.
She's a girl in motion most of the time.
I promise to get some of her at the pool.
She swims, she does splits under the water.
She loves the pool -- another place of pure JOY!