Thursday, August 13, 2009

Eliza loves watching Super Why! these days

I know, 2 posts back-to-back?!
What else do you do on a rainy day?
My posts are always longgggg too.
I want to preface this by saying that Eliza is happy 99% of the time and so am I.

I said in the last post that Eliza has really matured.
She loves pushing the grocery cart w/ me and helping pick out all her favorite things or at least things that look familiar to her. She hasn't tried to run off down the aisle from me lately and she will wait patiently while I ponder over something. I'm actually enjoying shopping again.

She's been constantly vocally attempting to communicate. Most of it is jibberish, but it's purposeful and that's what matters. She is learning that power over her environment.

I've been talking more to her about my upcoming travel to China to bring home her sister. She's gotten quiet over this and I'm not sure if that's what the latest tears have been about or not. We've also reached a major nighttime issue. We added Ava's bed to "Eliza's" room (nka "girls' room"). She refuses to go in there and she refuses to sleep in there. Freaks out! Anyone w/ suggestions; any other AU mom's w/ suggestions too, I'd appreciate hearing it all. We've let her fall asleep downstairs, but she wakes as soon as we move her to her bed and freaks out again. So...she sleeps between us. We never allowed this w/ either of the older kids and we never allowed it w/ Eliza. Sleep deprivation made us cave in. She literally needs to be touching us all night. Help. A new type of sleep deprivation is now upon me from sleeping on the edge of the bed with 2 snoring people next to me.

I've had my own tears lately (as anyone who has been on the adoption journey can relate to). Whether it's the emotions of the end-stretch of this paper-pregnancy or just the quiet and yes, sometimes, lonely part of being a mother to a non-verbal child living in a body controled by autism. (I realize that motherhood can be lonely regardless and am not looking for sympathy, only to explain that sometimes I'm not as strong as I need to be.) So, a few times this summer, I've had my tears and have said out loud to Eliza that I'm tired, really tired, and sad and that I really wish she could talk to me...blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. Really pitiful on my part I know and I'm ashamed. I've later caught her silently crying and when I've asked her what's the matter, I'M NOT KIDDING, she has said (over and over)..."Oh mama, I am...Oh mama. Oh mama, I do." Now, mind you, most of what Eliza says is not clear and for the most part, my ear has been trained to understand what she's saying, but these words have been clear as a bell.

Imagine what my heart feels when I've witnessed this? Guilt. Sorrow. Joy. Pride. Encouragement. God. Love. Peace.

She is amazing. I've tried to get it on video, but she clams up. Perhaps it's meant for my ears only and for my heart only. I love her so much.


The Montieth Family said...

Good Morning, Sarah!

I love both of your new posts. :)You are such a wonderful writer!
There is SO MUCH to comment on. I will give you a call today in hopes that you might be home so that we can catch up! Eliza looks SOOOOOOO BEautIFuL!!!!

Sending BIG Hugs your way.....

Love, Megan

Kristi said...

I think that E is feeling insecure with the upcoming changes... I think that it will take some time for her to work through this because she is trying to make sense of what is going on, don't you think? If you can stand it, I'd just let her keep sleeping where ever she needs to to feel secure, or go lay in her bed till she drifts off and then move to your room. You might even try Ava's bed for you and her bed for her?? I know it's exhausting when your little one is not sleeping well. ...Once Ava gets home and they have a chance to bond, she will likely LOVE her room like never before!!

It can be indescribably hard at times to be a mom to a nonverbal child with autism. Like you told me before, "it's beyond hard" at times. You are doing the right thing admitting that to yourself and to your friends and family. Sometimes, like I did a couple of months ago, you just have to hit rock bottom and admit to yourself that this is such a hard road and then, miraculously, like a phoenix, you will rise again from the ashes with a renewed spirit!

It's great that you told E that you are proud of her. From my experience, when I have "bragged" on Vivianna (great job, good using your words, i'm so proud of you, you're so smart, etc.), I see some sort of progress follow. For example, it may be just a moment in time where she's connected and truly enjoying an ordinary kid moment (like clapping a few claps at a b'day party today or not freaking out about getting her hand stamped at Chuck E Cheese!!). For my girl, these seemingly small steps are HUGE! I'm sure E has many as well. Brag on her and watch closely.... she will have moments of amazing you too. She loves you and wants so much to make you happy.

So, you have been crying lately?? Makes perfect sense to me. I am sure that I will cry before bringing Arianne home. Why?? Fear of change (even if I want it) and fear of "being enough" to parent both of my girls. But you know what? You WILL be a great mom to both your girls. You have a huge heart. Everything is going to work out. E is going to make great strides in her life (she's still so young) and Ava is going to be a perfect 2nd daughter for you and sister to E.

Hang in there friend and call me if you need to talk! Also, please say a short prayer for strength and new found peace.

day by day said...

Hi Sarah!

My Ella LOVES Super do I for that matter. Good learning show!

Okay, my suggestion for the sleeping challenge....a king sized bed. hee hee!

That is actually what we had to do. When we brought Sophie home, it brought a lot of insecurity/fear for Ella. She wanted to be in our bed for the first time ever and we allowed it. 2 years later and she is still there. hmmmm!

The double bed was just not enough room to get a good nights rest with her kicking around, so the king size worked out great!

Since our kiddos do not deal with change very well, if you could possibly find a way to allow E to sleep with you during the addition of her new sister, it may bring her some peace. Just a thought. Don't tell your hubby I suggested that....Dads never want little ones in their bed!! : )


Truly Blessed said...

Hi Sarah,

Oh this post squeezes my heart. It's so hard when you want to help your baby and don't know how to do so. About sleeping, could you bring a toddler bed into your room, snug it up on your side of the bed so you can touch her, but that she's not sleeping between you and Derek? I know a lot of people do that and it helps tremendously to keep little one close, but not IN bed with you.

Oh, the crying videos are so sad. Poor baby. Haven't we all felt like just sobbing at times - without reason? I sure have. I think that sometimes crying is like a pressure relief valve on a hot pot -- you've just got to let it out or something's gonna blow!

Katie has the same pink blanket -- well, she has SIX of the same pink blanket. Her "blankie" is almost as important to her as I am!

Praying for you (and for your TA to come quickly!)